Guilt, People-Pleasing & Moral Perfectionism
Do you constantly strive for flawlessness and hold yourself to unattainable standards? Is your inner dialogue flooded with self-criticism and an overwhelming desire to be “good” and to always do the “right” thing? Does the thought of someone viewing you in a negative way spark immense anxiety? Perhaps you frequently feel a sense of guilt, maybe even for no reason. You might struggle with moral perfectionism and associated people-pleasing tendencies.
Moral Perfectionism
Everyone makes mistakes, but those who struggle with perfectionism struggle to offer themselves self-compassion and forgiveness in the face of their shortfalls. The guilt and/or shame that follows a mistake is so uncomfortable, that perfectionists spend much time avoiding or preventing mistakes from happening in the first place; despite the inevitability of them. Moral perfectionism is characterized by similar traits, but is specifically focussed on perfection related to morality, virtues, and judgements. Moral perfectionists might also fear that if they make mistakes, others will dislike them or think less of them, inciting worry and panic.
People Pleasing
To avoid appearing as a “bad” person, moral perfectionists do whatever they can to ensure that those around them view them positively. This can impact relationships and lead an individual to struggle with boundary setting, even potentially crossing their own boundaries to uphold their moral virtues. For example, an individual might have felt betrayed by a friend, but feel that they must not only ensure not to “rock the boat” and potentially upset their friend by voicing their hurt, but also uphold their virtue of forgiveness. The feeling of anger might even cause guilt, as it feels contradicting to the “good” that the individual constantly strives for. This need to be a forgiving person might cause the individual to brush the matter under the rug, despite feeling extremely hurt.
Self Compassion
Aiming to be the perfect friend, partner, student, employee, and person – it can be exhausting, and it might feel like a chase to feel worthy. You might find that you are extremely hard on yourself, and that you are never enough, no matter how “perfect” you try to be. Practicing self-compassion can act as medicine to this inner suffering. How can you practice self compassion?
- Recognize that you are human – No human is perfect, that does not make humans “bad”, and it doesn’t make you “bad” either! The “right” thing to do is often subjective, making it impossible to always make the perfect choice or respond in a perfect way. Ask yourself: What is perfect? Is perfect really possible?
- Acknowledge, accept, and welcome in your emotions – It is okay to feel angry, resentful, hurt, betrayed – this is a part of the human experience. It is normal to feel these emotions, just like positive emotions as well. Denial of how you feel is a long-term disservice to yourself and can lead to growth in emotional intensity and bubbling-over, which can be even more disheartening. Experiencing such emotions does not make you “bad”. In accepting the presence of these emotions, you might be better able to offer compassion to them.
- Reframing mistakes – Rather than viewing mistakes or shortfalls as failure, again, offer compassion to them: “I did the best I could at that time. I am only learning”. Reframe these shortfalls as an opportunity to learn: “This experience provides me with more knowledge now. This is an opportunity to learn.” Acknowledge the beauty in mistakes – missteps are an important part of learning how to navigate life’s challenges and to build resilience! So, does making mistakes really make you “bad”?
If you want to learn more about self-compassion and other strategies to combat perfectionism, we welcome you to book a consultation with one of the therapists on our team!
References:
Dean, P. (2022, October 4). Self-Compassion: Healing from perfectionism — Evergreen Counseling. Evergreen Counseling. https://www.evergreencounseling.co/therapyblog/2022/10/3/self-compassion-healing-from-perfectionism
Yang, H., Stoeber, J., & Wang, Y. (2014). Moral perfectionism and moral values, virtues, and judgments: A preliminary investigation. Personality and Individual Differences, 75, 229–233. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.11.040
